


you and me (that's my whole world)

by supercuts



Series: all's well that ends well (to end up with you) [1]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, Friends to Lovers, or idiots to lovers, this is all taylor swift's fault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-10-29 01:02:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20787995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supercuts/pseuds/supercuts
Summary: God.How could she not have known that she’s in love with her?(or Alex and Kelley in L.A. after the 2012 Olys.)





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> A/N:
> 
> Thanks to Taylor Swift and her newest album, this got completely out of control and is going to have a second part. I didn't have the mental capacity to proofread this before posting, so be nice to me about the mistakes.
> 
> Title from "Miss Americana and The Heartbreak Prince"
> 
> Cheers.

It starts after they win in London.

Kelley can’t pinpoint the exact moment when things begin to shift, but, suddenly, Alex seeks her out in every room, reaches for her hand to wrap her own around under the table at team dinners, keeps a palm against the curve of her hip at every celebration, every party, every event they attend when they get back to the States.

And it’s cool— it isn’t complicated, this new intimacy between them, but they don’t talk about it; partly, Kelley assumes, because there’s nothing to talk about, and partly because she doesn’t actually want to think about why Alex can’t seem to keep her hands to herself.

For Kelley, Alex is secure, safe, familiar.

She imagines Alex must feel the same way about her.

**////**

Things change when Tobin suggests moving to L.A. for the rest of the year.

Kelley is on her parents’ couch when she gets the text, one hand shoved to the wrist in a bag of almonds and the other mindlessly scrolling through her Instagram feed.

She sees Tobin’s name appear in her notifications bar in a new group message with Alex

Her heart skips a beat.

The message reads, _Yo, proposition for you two, _and attached is a link titled ‘_3 Bedroom Beachfront Townhome – 25 Minutes from Los_ _Angeles_’.

She clicks the link, swiping carefully through each picture, reads the list of amenities twice, and decides it’s impressive, really, how nice the place is for the price listed. It’s spacious, and sophisticated, and she likes the kitchen, but she likes the idea of being around Alex every day even more.

She goes to type out her reply, wants to say yes, but she doesn’t get the chance to hit send before Alex responds.

_You wanna rent this?? Like the 3 of us?? I’ll need to sell a kidney to be able to afford it lol_

Kelley deletes the three letters and sinks back against the couch.

Her thumbs start working before her brain does, apparently, because before she registers what’s happening, she’s typing, _i mean we’re kind of olympic medalists now so i don’t think it’s unreasonable. plus i can finally teach you how to surf_

Seconds later, Tobin backs her up: _Just think about it Al… you, me, and Kel hard chilling for the rest of the summer. We’ll even let you have the biggest room. And there’s so much to do in LA!!!_

It takes twenty-two minutes for Alex to reply.

Twenty-two minutes of Kelley alternating between staring at the open group message until her phone screen goes black and trying to distract herself with menial tasks, like refolding the throw on the back of the armchair five times and straightening the magazines on the coffee table until they’re perfectly aligned.

When her phone finally, _finally _goes off, she has two texts.

One is from Alex in the group message: _Okay fine I’m in_

The other is from Alex in their personal text thread: _You better actually teach me how to surf_

She has to bite her lip to keep herself from grinning. 

She sends back _anything for you bud_, and she doesn’t know why, but she blushes when Alex immediately replies, _I can’t wait to be with you._

**////**

Somehow, Kelley kind of forgets about Servando.

Maybe because, in London, they were in a bubble.

Between the insane training leading up to the matches and actually playing them, she hardly even had a moment to catch her breath, barely any time to talk to her family, and, certainly, no time to think about relationships outside of those with her teammates and coaching staff.

Her days and evenings consisted of soccer, and her nights consisted of Alex, and Tobin, and Amy, Sydney, Lauren, and Hope, but, really, when Kelley is honest with herself, all she remembers of her time there is the weight of gold around her neck and Alex’s hand in her own.

So, maybe it’s London, or maybe it’s because sometimes Alex doesn’t treat her the way someone who’s in a committed relationship should be treating people who aren’t her boyfriend, or maybe she’s just distracted, but when Alex says she’s going to wait to move in until the Monday after Kelley and Tobin haul all of their most important belongings into their new home and drop box after box onto the floors of their respectable rooms, she doesn’t think anything of it. 

**////**

True to their word, they leave the biggest bedroom in the house open for Alex, the one upstairs, just down the hallway from Kelley’s because Tobin insists, for whatever reason, that the room downstairs makes the most sense for her— she claims it’s because she’s the earliest riser and, even though that isn’t true, Kelley doesn’t bother arguing because, well, she gets to be closer to Alex, and Tobin plays her ‘_HYPEBEAST_’ playlist too loud in the mornings, anyway.

She spends the two days in between Alex’s arrival and her own organizing her room, color-coding her closet, taking too many trips to Costco and the IKEA in Burbank with Tobin, and finding the nearest surf shops and best places to order takeout.

On her first official day living in L.A., she brings home two new surfboards, and the next morning, when she finds the pocket of the first wave she paddles onto, she feels at home for the first time.

Later, when they’ve finished their session, Tobin, trailing not far behind her, her own board tucked under her arm, taps gently against her shoulder.

“Dude,” she grins. “You rip.”

Kelley shrugs like it isn’t a big deal but grins back at her, anyway.

“Must be something in the water here. The lifestyle of the rich and famous or whatever,”

“Uh-huh, or it’s beginner’s luck,” Tobin says, challenging.

Kelley watches, impatient, as she closes the privacy gate separating their backyard and the sand behind her, leaning her board against it after it’s locked.

She rolls her eyes, places her own board next to Tobin’s, and begins to peel off her wetsuit.

“Oh, please, you obviously could learn something from me,” she pauses, pretends to be thoughtful. “Actually, I’ll even give you lessons with Alex for free— we’ll call it the roommate discount.”

Tobin laughs then, the kind of laugh where she throws her head back, the kind that makes Kelley laugh too, and outstretches an arm to collide firmly with Kelley’s side.

“Shut up, dick,” she shakes her head, still grinning. “Don’t equate my surfing ability to Alex’s. There are plenty of things she’s good at, but we both know that’s not one.”

“Hey,” Kelley raises her eyebrows, mocking, starts towards the back porch, lingering at the door to wait for Tobin. “That’s not a nice way to talk about your friend. She’d be very disappointed to learn that you think she’s sucks.”

“_Our _friend, Kel— and I never said she sucks, but you did, so…” Tobin trails off, checks the watch on her wrist, and Kelley doesn’t understand why her face lights up until she’s pushing past her and into the house, shouting, “And she’ll probably be here soon, so I’ll make sure to tell her how you really feel about her when I see her. Also, dibs on showering first!”

**////**

Hours later, she gets the text from Alex telling them to unlock the door.

She jumps from her position on the couch and races into the foyer, fully prepared to fly into her arms the second she comes through the door, two weeks apart far too many.

When the door swings open to reveal Alex— Alex who kisses too close to her mouth before bed, Alex who took her Stanford sweatshirt back to Seattle with her even though she graduated from UC Berkeley, Alex who spent the past two weeks texting Kelley during the late hours of the night— with Servando in tow, a storage container in his arms, Kelley forgets how to breathe.

“Kel,” Alex greets, her voice soft, her features softer in a way that seems to be reserved solely for her.

They both move aside to let Servando step further into the house so he can put the box down on the floor.

Her stomach twists in a way she can’t explain.

“Hi,” Kelley says, her throat going dry as she watches him move around the foyer and peek his head into the living room.

She’s suddenly hyperaware of the dirty mug on the coffee table, that she still hasn’t showered after surfing with Tobin earlier in the day, that they haven’t even assembled some of their furniture yet.

She doesn’t know why she cares.

She doesn’t know why she feels—

Stupid.

But she does.

She forgets it all again when Alex reaches out and wraps her arms snugly around her waist and, in one motion, presses her lips against her temple so subtly that she barely feels it.

“I missed you.” Alex admits, and Kelley can’t help the way her fingers fist the part of Alex’s shirt that gathers at the dip of her back, can’t help the way all of the tension in her body subsides the minute Alex’s hands are on her.

“Me, too,”

The moment feels intimate, but she registers Servando still standing behind them and realizes he’s been watching the whole thing.

It makes her feel a little awkward and a little guilty.

She pulls back, grounds herself, smiles.

“Dealing with Tobin alone is like being a single mom,” she jokes.

She’s grateful when both Alex and Servando laugh and even more grateful when Tobin rounds the corner.

“Hey—” Tobin huffs, bumping hips with Kelley as she passes her. “Didn’t I tell you to shut up earlier?”

Alex opens her arms wide, wiggling her eyebrows, and Tobin immediately steps into them, winding her own around a lithe torso.

“Long time, no see, kid.” Tobin says, patting affectionately against Alex’s back.

Alex pinches the skin of her hip, laughs when Tobin squeals, high-pitched and annoyed.

“Two weeks without me was too much for you, huh?” Alex asks.

Tobin doesn’t respond, pinches her back instead, but it’s soft, Kelley thinks, because Alex doesn’t even react, just flattens her palm against the top of Tobin’s head and ruffles the hair there.

“Don’t worry. You and Kel get to fight over my attention for the next few months.”

“Hey, Serv,” Tobin says. “Are you looking for a place in the Los Angeles area? We just had a room open up.”

Kelley giggles at that.

Servando opens his mouth to speak, but Alex holds up her hand to stop him.

She glares at Tobin, turns to Servando.

“Nope, but good try— he’s here strictly as the moving crew.”

Kelley glances between the two of them, catches a look that she doesn’t quite know how to read.

It’s kind of—

Tense.

Per usual, she feels like she needs to compensate.

She finds herself crossing the room to stand on the tips of her toes, slings an arm across Servando’s shoulders.

“Some girlfriend she is.” She nods her head in Alex’s direction, says, “Are you hungry? I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’m like the lovechild of Gordon Ramsay and Rachael Ray.”

“I hadn’t heard, but, actually, yeah.” Servando nods. “It’d probably be good to eat before my flight.”

“Your flight?” Tobin asks, clearly just as confused as Kelley because— “Wait, you’re not staying?”

Alex shifts back onto her heels, clasps her hands together in front of her, and if Kelley didn’t know her so well, if she couldn’t read her better than anyone, she wouldn’t know that Alex is uncomfortable, wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.

“Jesus, Tobin,” Kelley cuts in. “If the man has a flight to catch, let’s not waste his time playing twenty questions. He could obviously be doing more productive things— like carrying all the shit Alex brought but probably doesn’t need.”

Alex smiles at her, grateful, and Kelley makes a mental note to ask her about it later.

She drops her arm from around Servando’s shoulders when he leans down to pick up the storage container at his feet, and he sounds helpless when he says, “There’s _so _much stuff.”

“There’s not _that_ much,” Alex sounds defensive, her cheeks flushing. “I just like to have everything I need for any situation that may arise.”

Kelley pulls her lips into a line, looks at Tobin, then Servando.

He’s the first to laugh and, soon after, Kelley and Tobin are both joining in.

She covers her mouth with her hand when she sees the look on Alex’s face, feeling scolded.

“Okay,” Kelley says, lets the word drag out. “Since I’m cooking, I volunteer Tobin to help you guys move everything,”

“But—”

Kelley ignores her, pushes Tobin gently in the direction of the front door, continues saying, “Al, your room is the one at the end of the hall upstairs. If you want, after dinner, we can take the full tour— we’re literally, like, right on the water.”

Alex smiles and it’s clear she’s listening, but her eyes follow Servando up the stairs, watches him disappear down the hallway.

“Yeah,” she finally says, leans over to let her lips collide sloppily with Kelley’s cheek. “Thanks, Kel.”

Kelley still feels the warmth of Alex’s mouth long after it’s gone.

**////**

Everything feels more comfortable after dinner.

They gather around the dining table once Kelley has made them all a plate and Tobin insists on saying a blessing, just this once, and even though she’s the only religious one at the table, they join hands, anyway.

They open the two nicest bottles of red wine in the house, and Alex sits in the open chair next to Kelley instead of the one next to Servando, but the tension that felt so tangible between them before seems to be gone.

They talk about soccer a lot, and Servando names off some of his favorite restaurants in the city so Tobin can add them to their growing list of places to try, and he even offers to clean up the kitchen when everyone is finished.

And, okay, she’s a little drunk by the end of it— which, really, is Alex’s fault because whenever her glass nears empty, she tops it off again— and Alex has angled her chair so her knee digs into Kelley’s thigh, not painful, just pressure reminding her how close they’re sitting, and Kelley’s hand is in her lap, Alex’s fingers brushing against the sensitive skin on the inside of her wrist and making her shiver.

She feels hot.

She blames the wine.

“So…” she starts, leaning forward to make sure Tobin and Servando are still busying themselves with cleaning up.

“So?” Alex asks, voice low in a way that makes Kelley’s cheeks feel even hotter, her eyes following the path of her own fingertips.

“What’s up with that?” She nods her head in the direction of the kitchen and hopes Alex gets it.

She does.

“We’re— I don’t know, we’re just in a weird place right now,” Alex says, and it’s clear she doesn’t plan on explaining, so Kelley nods like she understands.

“Right,”

“I’m happy to be here with you.”

It’s disarming, Alex’s admission, and Kelley thinks she might be less affected if she wasn’t so damn tipsy.

Her mouth opens, then closes, and she wants to say something but can’t think of anything other than how good Alex looks in the low light.

When Kelley doesn’t reply immediately, Alex adds, “And Tobs.”

The next time Alex’s fingertips reach her palm, Kelley slides her hand back to catch them there, holds them until Alex gets the hint and laces their fingers together. 

“Me, too.” 

**////**

Later, when Servando leaves for the airport in an Uber, Kelley tries not to look out of the living room window at Alex walking him out, but she’s still a little drunk, and she’s sitting on the couch, so the window is _right there_, and—

Alex doesn’t even kiss him goodbye.

**////**

It takes five weeks of living together for Kelley to start to wonder if what she’s feeling has gone far past what someone is supposed to feel for a friend.

Five weeks of Kelley and Tobin getting up with the sun to go surfing, and five weeks of Kelley always making sure to be home just in time to wake Alex up with a cup of coffee.

They spend their days on the beach, or exploring Santa Monica, or they drive to Los Angeles and walk around downtown, and sometimes she and Alex sneak out without Tobin, but if she notices, she doesn’t say anything.

In the evenings, they run training drills, or kick a ball around on the sand, and Kelley goes for runs just before the sun sets and comes home to Alex waiting for her in her room, curled up on her bed in the Stanford sweatshirt she swears she’s going to give back, even though Kelley kind of hopes she doesn’t.

They make dinner together, the three of them, but it almost always turns into Alex and Tobin leaning against the counter watching Kelley move around the kitchen, and Kelley mumbling something like, “get out of my way,” before they scurry off to the dining room to set the table.

At night, Kelley drinks more wine than she ever has in her life.

She’s always a little drunk when she climbs into bed, and she thinks Alex must be too because, more often than not, she joins her.

She starts to leave her door cracked just a little, just in case, and sometimes Alex won’t come until later, until Kelley hears Tobin’s bedroom door click closed downstairs, and sometimes she follows closely behind Kelley, brushes her teeth at the same time as her, locks eyes with her in the bathroom mirror and smiles in that shy way that Kelley doesn’t understand.

Sometimes, Alex holds her, wraps her arms around her waist, rests a palm flat over her chest to feel her heartbeat.

Sometimes, she holds Alex, curls a foot around her calf, presses her lips against the skin exposed on the back of her neck until she’s too tired to keep them there.

And they still don’t talk about it, whatever it is, but Kelley does let her mind wander.

She lets herself think about all the reasons why Alex’s eyes linger on her when they’re in a room together, why, at any chance they get, they’re touching.

She thinks it’s a little dangerous, this thing between them— because Kelley hasn’t stopped thinking about kissing Alex since that first night, and Alex—

Kelley doesn’t know what Alex is thinking. 

**////**

“This is ridiculous.”

“Kelley,”

“Seriously, there was nothing wrong with the bed you had before.”

“Kelley.”

“Can you stop saying my name and hand me the other screwdriver?”

Kelley holds out her hand expectantly, watches as Alex reaches behind her and grabs the screwdriver she asked for, continues watching as Alex cradles it against her chest.

They’ve been sitting on the floor in Alex’s room for hours, trying to put together the new bed frame she suckered Kelley into helping her build with a delicate hand on her collarbone and the promise of a backrub afterwards.

And, of course, because she’s Alex, helping her, Kelley realizes, quickly becomes doing all of the manual labor herself.

“Alex,” Kelley says, wiggling her fingertips. “The screwdriver.”

Alex shakes her head, says, “No.”

“Stop being a brat.”

“Stop acting miserable.”

“I’m not acting—” Kelley groans, realizes she isn’t going to win, and rocks forward on her knees.

She reaches to smooth down the loose pieces of hair that have fallen out of her bun, pushes the tip of her tongue against the inside of her cheek, composing herself.

“Give it to me, unless you plan to sleep on the floor.” She decides to say, and she tries to sound assertive, but it comes out as a whine instead.

“I mean, I don’t ever sleep in my bed, anyway, so…” Alex trails off, waves the screwdriver in front of her. “I’ve got nothing to lose.”

Kelley raises her eyebrows.

“Fine. Cough it up, or my bed is off limits,”

“That’s okay,” Alex says, and Kelley feels her heart beat a little faster at the look in her eyes, knows she’s in for it. “Tobin has a bed big enough to share if—”

She’s launching herself in Alex’s direction before she even fully comprehends what she’s doing, reaching blindly for the screwdriver, and it hits her, a little too late, that the force of her body colliding with Alex’s is going to send them both to the floor.

She catches herself in just enough time to stop her weight from crushing Alex, but not enough time to keep herself from landing on top of her.

Alex’s back is pressed against the carpet.

Kelley’s arms are holding herself up, palms to the floor on either side of Alex’s head, and she wants to ask the universe why this is happening because— _fuck_, Alex is so damn pretty.

And they’re so damn close.

And if Kelley wanted to— if Alex wanted her to, she could lean down and close the gap between their lips, could finally figure out what Alex’s mouth tastes like on her own.

It doesn’t help that Alex is looking at her like she’s thinking the same thing, that her eyes are locked on her mouth, that she reaches between their bodies with one hand, brings it up to Kelley’s lips, and rests a thumb against them.

“Kelley…”

It comes out as a whisper, but, somehow, Alex’s voice is wrecked.

The tension is hot.

Kelley feels it low in her stomach.

“I want to—” She starts to say, a little desperate, but she’s too afraid of what could happen if she admits it out loud.

Alex understands, anyway, starts nodding even though Kelley doesn’t finish her thought.

“Me, too.” She breathes, and when both of her hands find the back of Kelley’s neck, she says, “Please, Kel.”

And Kelley has been waiting for it for so long, that’s all it takes.

Alex is leaning up, meeting her halfway, and Kelley is leaning down, and—

Fucking Tobin.

The door to Alex’s room swings open so wide it knocks loudly against the wall, and Kelley hardly has time to react before Alex is shoving her off of her, sitting up.

“Dude, what are you two psychopaths doing?” Tobin asks, crosses her arms, leans against the doorframe in a casual way that tells Kelley she has no idea what she walked in on.

“Fighting over the screwdriver,” Alex says, biting her lip.

Kelley’s cheeks flush, and she reaches over to grab it off the floor, having momentarily forgotten how she even ended up on top of Alex in the first place.

“It sounded like someone was getting murdered,” Tobin sounds annoyed, steps further into the room, observing the pieces of the bed frame still scattered across the floor.

“Jesus,” She says. “How many professional footballers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”

“Here,” Kelley fumbles, pushes the screwdriver into Tobin’s hands, then gives her the paper instructions. “Since you’re Bob the Builder, go ahead.”

Tobin doesn’t argue, just starts working, connecting brackets to panels at a rate much faster than Kelley. Her back is to them, Alex to her side, handing her the pieces as she asks for them, nodding along with the things she’s saying.

Kelley knows she isn’t really paying attention.

She sits back, her head spinning, thinking about Alex, about their almost whatever-it-was, about what might’ve happened if Tobin hadn’t interrupted them.

She feels a little intoxicated.

She doesn’t realize she’s fallen silent until Tobin says—

“Are you, like, brain dead back there?”

“No,” she shakes her head, says again, “No.”

Tobin looks at her over her shoulder, squints.

“Okay, weirdo,” She nods towards the remaining slats of wood. “Can you make yourself useful, then?”

“God, you’re so annoying,” Kelley grumbles, but she still scoots over to sit on her knees across from Tobin, still slides one of the boards into place.

When she catches Alex’s eyes, accidentally knocks against her hand when they reach for the same thing, her cheeks burn.

She swears she feels Alex intentionally brush her fingertips over her knuckles before they pull away.

**////**

They don’t talk about it.

They eat dinner, and they play Uno with Tobin, and they finish the rest of a bottle of wine, and Kelley is the first one to go to bed.

She leaves her door cracked like she always does.

Alex comes into her room later than usual, holds Kelley’s hand against her stomach, folds her body around her, and it’s soft, but the air between them still feels shaky.

Kelley wants to do something about it, wants to roll over and kiss Alex, hot and insistent, wants to push her onto her back, and—

She doesn’t.

Because the moment is gone, and now that Kelley’s head is clear, she thinks of Servando, and how they’re kind of friends, and how wrong it would be to be the person that Alex cheats on him with.

She falls asleep with Alex tracing her initials on the back of her hand.

**////**

Three days later, they’re on the beach.

Alex is stretched out on her back across a towel, Tobin next to her in a similar position, sunglasses over her eyes, her head propped up on her arm, watching Kelley juggle a soccer ball.

Tobin had bet her that she could keep the ball up longer than her.

Kelley is determined to prove her wrong.

“Okay,” she breathes, bouncing the ball off of one knee and onto the other, then onto her foot. “I think I definitely won,”

Tobin sits up, stretches her arms high over her head, lasts all of two seconds before she starts grinning.

“Honestly, dude, I stopped timing you, like, as soon as I started.”

Kelley lets the ball drop to the sand, grumbles, “fuck you,” before kicking it in Tobin’s direction.

It collides with the palm of her hand and rolls back towards Kelley. She pulls it once it’s within reach, kicks it up, starts juggling again.

“Just wait until I’m more technical than you,” she says, wiping sweat from her forehead, and turns her back to them.

She can feel Alex’s eyes on her.

They’ve spent the past three days exchanging shy glances, but, sometimes, if Kelley catches the right moment, Alex looks at her in a way that’s new, a way that makes her wet at the apex of her thighs, gives her goosebumps.

If she catches the right moment, Alex looks at her like she wants her.

And if Kelley didn’t know any better, she’d think it was true.

“Hey.”

She doesn’t recognize the voice, so she spins, still juggling, until she finds the source, and—

Oh.

_Oh._

It’s a blonde, maybe a few inches taller than Kelley, and she’s smiling, looking a little lost and a little nervous, and she says—

“You’re, like, really good. Do you play?”

Kelley lets the ball drop again, tilts her head.

“Yeah. Professionally, actually.” She feels proud when she says it, pushes out her chest a little, and she briefly registers out of her peripheral vision that Alex is sitting up now, too.

“Cool,” The girl says, smiling wider, sticks out her hand for Kelley to shake. “I’m Connor.”

She takes her hand, says, “Kelley.”

It’s awkward with Alex looking at her. 

She chooses to ignore it. 

“Hi, Kelley,” Connor says, laughing a little. “Look— I have to be honest. I don’t know shit about soccer; I totally came over here with an agenda… which was to get your number, because my friends and I have been watching you for the past twenty minutes, and I think you’re so cute, so…”

Kelley grins.

“So?" 

“So, can I have it?”

Connor holds her phone out, biting her lip, and Kelley knows that look— knows by now what it means when a girl bats her eyelashes, leans into her, licks her lips when Kelley goes to speak.

“Obviously, yeah," 

She saves her number in Connor’s phone under her first name, intentionally leaving her last out of her contact information. She doesn’t want her to Google her, far too afraid the quick search of her name could affect anything that could happen between them 

“There. Text me, so I can save yours." 

“Cool,” Connor says again, typing out a text to Kelley. She looks satisfied when she hears her phone go off somewhere next to them. “I’ll hit you up.”

Kelley watches her walk away, bewildered, and when she turns back to Tobin and Alex, she sees Alex standing up, brushing sand from the backs of her thighs.

Tobin looks amused.

“Huh,” She says. “Who knew you had any sort of game?”

“Um,” Kelley looks offended. “Everyone knows I have _plenty _of game— right, Al?”

Alex looks up at her, and it’s brief, but her eyes are like fire.

She looks a little hurt, a little pissed, and a little disappointed, all at once. 

“Yeah. You have plenty of game,” Alex says, refuses to look at her, leans down to pick her towel up off of the sand. “I’m going in." 

Kelley watches her walk away, turns to Tobin when the privacy gate slams closed behind her.

“Weird.” Tobin says, looks confused when she asks, “What’s up with her?”

“I don’t know,” Kelley shrugs, honest, already walking in the direction of the house. “I’ll go find out.”

Tobin still looks confused, but she lays back down on her towel, waves a hand in Kelley’s direction

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll be here.”

**////**

When Kelley finds Alex, she’s leaning against the kitchen counter, a bottle of water in her hand, sunglasses pushed on top of her head; she doesn’t even look at Kelley when she pulls the stool out and sits down next to her.

“What’s wrong, bud?” Kelley reaches out a hand to rest gently on her forearm, tries to sound as gentle as possible when she asks.

Alex, however, has other plans.

She slides away from Kelley, finally turns to face her, and puts her bottle down on the counter with so much force that water spills over the top.

“Why did you give that girl your number?”

“I… uh— wait, what?” Kelley chokes a little on air.

“You heard me.” Alex narrows her eyes. “Why did you give that girl your number?”

Kelley doesn’t understand why she feels caught, doesn’t get why the way Alex is looking at her makes her wish she could collapse into herself, doesn’t really know why she wishes she would’ve just told Connor no when she asked.

She feels like she’s missing something.

She doesn’t want to let herself think it, but Alex sounds jealous, bothered.

“Well…” She shrugs. “She asked for it.”

Alex blinks and ignores her answer, just says, “Servando and I are on a break.”

And, okay, now Kelley is really confused, unsure of how that even correlates, and she wants to ask Alex when it happened, why she didn’t say anything, if she’s okay, but she doesn’t.

Instead, she frowns.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” She says, and part of her means it, although another part of her doesn’t.

“You’re sorry?” Alex sounds like she can’t believe what she’s hearing.

“Well— yeah, of course.” 

Alex shakes her head, laughs, but it’s the kind of laugh that sounds sad, that Kelley knows is sad, because nothing is funny and the space between them feels heavy.

Her chest tightens.

The feeling only gets worse when Alex rolls her eyes, grumbles, “Jesus Christ, Kelley.”

Kelley catches her wrist when she tries to brush past her, feels the steady thrum of her pulse under her thumb and, for a second, feels like they might be okay. She tries not to look hurt when Alex pulls her arm away like she’s just been burned.

“Did I do something wrong?” She asks, because, really, she doesn’t understand.

Alex finally turns around, her voice cutting right through the center of Kelley’s chest, hot and biting.

“What the fuck are we doing, Kelley?”

“We’re talking,”

“No—” Alex cuts in, frustrated. “What are _we _doing?”

_Oh_.

Fuck.

Really, Kelley should’ve known that this conversation was going to happen. She should’ve suspected that they could only avoid it for so long before they were forced to confront it.

She should’ve prepared for it.

She was just hoping that it wouldn’t happen so soon, that she had more time with Alex, that she could be close to her a little longer before it was over.

For a second, she can’t breathe.

“Kel,” Alex says, softer this time. “What are we doing?”

“I—” She inhales, closes her eyes. “I don’t know.”

Alex’s shoulders drop, and Kelley hates the way she looks at her.

She just wants to hold her, wants to reach out and ease the tension from Alex’s body with her own, but it only lasts a minute before Alex is composing herself, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, straightening her spine.

She nods, and Kelley can tell that it’s forced when she smiles at her, all tight-lipped and insincere.

“Okay,” She says, shrugging, then picks up her water bottle from the counter. “Let me know when you figure it out.”

Kelley watches her leave.

**////**

Alex ices her out for two days.

Kelley hates it.

She hates that Alex avoids being in the same room as her, shoots glances at her in passing that saw through her ribcage like a disc-saw.

She doesn’t blame her, really, but it hurts.

She overhears Alex later telling Tobin that she has a headache, that she just wants to order takeout and lock herself in her room, and Kelley knows it’s a lie, that it’s her fault, but she doesn’t know how to fix it.

She doesn’t know where to start.

Because Kelley has loved Alex for as long as she can remember and, at some point, she thinks maybe it shifted into being _in love_ with Alex.

And it terrifies her, that kind of vulnerability, because she hasn’t ever been the type to fall without making sure she has someone to catch her, but she’s starting to realize that, with Alex, she never really had a choice.

Alex has always felt kind of inevitable.

Because she’s the best striker Kelley has ever seen, and she plays Monopoly by herself sometimes, and she sings over the radio whenever they’re in the car, and Kelley has never met someone gentler with kids.

Because she remembers Kelley’s coffee order, and watches Glee with her even though she thinks it sucks, and she knows exactly what to say whenever Kelley is feeling insecure, and she makes her laugh so hard that she cries, and she’s—

She’s Kelley’s person, really.

And, now that she thinks about it, she doesn’t know if there’s ever been a time where she wasn’t in love with Alex.

She also thinks that maybe it’s finally time to do something about it.

**////**

On the second night, when Alex doesn’t come into her room, she cries. 

She leaves the door cracked, still, even though they’re kind of fighting and she knows she isn’t going to come, and waits so long for her that it starts to get light outside.

She gives up on sleeping when she hears Tobin banging around in the kitchen downstairs.

She drags herself out of bed, pulling her blanket behind her to wrap around her shoulders while she pads down the stairs and into the kitchen, hardly looking up from the floor in her sleep-deprived haze.

She feels like she’s sleepwalking.

She’s vaguely aware of a body moving around her while she stands in front of the coffee pot, head in her hands, waiting for the coffee to finish brewing so it can bring her back to life, but she doesn’t realize it’s Alex, not Tobin, until she spends five minutes struggling to reach her coffee mug in the cabinet.

“Here,” She hears Alex say, and it’s the first time she’s spoken to her in two days.

All at once, her body wakes up. 

She turns to see Alex crossing the kitchen, feels the warmth of her shoulder against her own as she reaches over her head, grabbing Kelley’s mug for her, pressing it into her hands only after she’s filled it.

“Thanks,” She whispers.

Alex nods, busies herself with pouring her own cup of coffee, and Kelley wonders how long they can go on like this.

Before, they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other, and, now, Alex won’t even look in her direction.

“Can we talk?” She tries, shifts onto one foot and then the other, a nervous habit.

“About?” 

“Come on, Al. You know what it’s about.”

When Alex doesn’t acknowledge her, Kelley tries, “Please,” moves closer until she can almost touch her.

Alex shrugs, then, all indifference, and it makes her feel stupid— makes her feel like she’s a teenager again, standing in front of her high school crush. 

“I planned on watching the sunrise, but, yeah, Kel, that’s fine,” Alex says, finally. 

“You still can,” Kelley nods her head in the direction of the porch, says, “Come with me.”

She’s surprised when Alex lets her take her hand and lead her out onto the porch, lets her sit her down in one of the chairs, doesn’t scoot away when Kelley sits in the one next to her.

Neither of them speaks for what feels like minutes.

The sun is just starting to peek up from the horizon, cut into a sliver by the line of the ocean, and the sky is pink, and orange, and purple, and Kelley should be watching because it’s beautiful, but she can’t take her eyes off of Alex and the way her eyes look mixed with all the colors, and—

God.

How could she not have known that she’s in love with her?

“The sunrise is over there,” Alex points out, looking over at Kelley from behind the rim of her coffee mug, and Kelley is pretty sure she can see the faint hint of a smile on her lips.

Something blooms in her chest.

“Yeah,” She shrugs. “I know.”

“So, why are you looking at me?”

“Because you’re beautiful.” Kelley says, and it’s worth it, being honest, to see the way that Alex softens.

She lowers her mug, tilts her head to one side, and she whispers, “Kelley, you can’t—”

“No,” Kelley cuts in. “Just let me say what I have to say, and then you can go back to not talking to me.”

Alex is silent.

Kelley puts her coffee mug down on the table, takes her maintained silence as a sign to continue, and turns her body to face Alex, sitting completely sideways in her chair.

“Look,” She says, meets Alex’s gaze. “You asked me what we’re doing, and the truth is, Alex, I have no fucking idea,”

Alex opens her mouth to speak then, but Kelley shakes her head, continues, “I have no idea, but that doesn’t mean that what’s going on between us, whatever it is, isn’t meaningful or real.”

She pauses, reaching for her hand, pulls it over into her lap, and it grounds her, anchors her, when Alex doesn’t pull away. 

“I didn’t know that you and Servando weren’t together; I hadn’t even thought that this could be something because I know how happy you were with him— how much you love him, and wanted to be with him, and, Alex— that’s all I want. For you to be happy and in love. So, I just tried to be the best friend I could be, and I didn’t let myself go there because I thought that was what you wanted.”

“You’re my best friend,” Alex says, squeezes Kelley’s hand, and she doesn’t know why it makes her chest feel tight, like at any minute she could start crying. 

“I don’t think we’re just friends anymore, Al,” She admits, inhales all shaky and anxious, and says, “Because I think I’m a little bit in love with you, and maybe you’re a little bit in love with me, too.”

She closes her eyes, doesn’t want to see Alex’s expression because she knows there’s a chance that she’s completely misguided, that Alex might not feel the same way after all. 

She waits for Alex to say something.

Alex doesn’t.

Instead, she leans forward, and Kelley can feel her hand curl around the back of her neck, tugging her to meet her halfway, and hardly has time to register what’s happening because, then, like magic, Alex’s lips are on hers.

It’s debilitating, kissing her— all warmth, and the press of an open mouth, and she feels like the Earth is going to slip out from under her.

For so long, she’s thought about this, wanted this, and—

She never wants to stop.

And while Alex presses herself closer, halfway in Kelley’s chair with her now, kissing her so slow that it feels like time stops, the sun comes up.


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> Surprise.
> 
> You can thank Alex and Kelley, and their bombardment of content from last night for this. Thanks to them, too, it's a little more rushed than I would've liked, and I didn't have time to proofread it, but you all know the drill. Be nice to me.
> 
> If you follow me on twitter, come talk to me after you finish reading. If not, tell me how much you hate me, or love me, or whatever, in the comments.
> 
> Apologies in advance.

To Kelley’s surprise, nothing really changes.

She thinks it might have something to do with the fact that they were already, basically, kind of dating, anyways— which, of course, Alex likes to remind her as often as she can that that’s what they’re doing now.

Dating.

She’s dating Alex, and nothing is different except, now, they trade slow, tender kisses in her bed long after they’ve told Tobin they’re going to sleep, and Alex wears her clothes more than she wears her own, and Kelley knows what it’s like to take Alex out and then take her home.

They make breakfast together, Kelley hovering over her shoulder, stealing kisses that sometimes taste like coffee and always, _always _taste like Alex, and they watch the sunrise because, according to Alex, that’s their thing.

They find a bar in Santa Monica that’s all low lighting and so swanky that Tobin never wants to go back with them after the first time, claims it isn’t her scene, and they start going on Thursday nights when the drinks are the cheapest.

It’s kind of fun— dressing up, and drinking expensive liquor, and sitting on the same side of the table just because they can.

Kelley realizes when Alex presses her back against the booth, into the corner where no one can see her tilt Kelley’s chin up to lick open her mouth, kissing her like she can’t get enough of her, that Alex must be thinking the same thing.

**////**

Alex demands that Kelley teaches her how to surf, and it takes two weeks of trying every morning, of Alex getting dragged below the surface for so long, so many times that Kelley starts to worry, before she finally paddles onto a wave that carries her all the way to the shallows.

When Alex jumps from the board, her arms in the air, shouting for her over the sound of waves crashing all around them, throws her body at her so hard that it knocks them both into the water, Kelley decides she wants to stay in L.A. forever.

**////**

They spend the last few days of summer out on the beach, hands clasped together on the sand between their towels, sharing headphones, until Kelley gets tired of being too far away from her and swings a leg over her hips, Alex’s hands curling around her waist while she kisses her until they’re both dizzy.

**////**

It’s pretty easy to hide from Tobin.

Or, at least, that’s what Kelley thinks.

She learns otherwise on an evening after the weather has just started to change, when they’re walking on the beach, just the two of them, Alex opting to hang back at the house to FaceTime her parents.

Tobin’s eyes are hidden behind her sunglasses, but Kelley can tell that she’s looking at her.

“Do I have something on my face?” She asks, kicking some of the wet sand at her feet in Tobin’s direction.

“Just a little ugly,” Tobin grins, kicks sand back at her, says, “Hey, Kel?”

And she knows that tone, one that Tobin doesn’t use very often, only when she’s serious, when she wants to talk about something but doesn’t know how to bring it up.

It makes her anxious, even though it shouldn’t because it’s just Tobin.

Tobin, one of her best friends.

Her roommate, and teammate, and—

_Jesus_.

Kelley is pretty sure she knows what conversation is coming, considers throwing herself down into the water to avoid it, considers faking a call from her mom— something, anything, to prevent the awkwardness of it all.

“Hey, Tobin.” She says, pushes her hands as deep into her pockets as they’ll go, trying to do something with all of her nervous energy.

Tobin stops walking.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

“Okay,” she blinks. “I mean— yeah, obviously, I know.”

“Kelley,” Tobin touches her forearm, gives it a gentle squeeze. “I’m serious. You can trust me with anything, always.”

Kelley reaches up, touches the back of Tobin’s hand, and she wants to tell her everything, about Alex, about their relationship, but—

She’s scared that if she talks about it, it’ll break the spell.

It all still feels so fragile.

“I know, Tobs. I trust you.” She decides to say, and she means it.

Tobin looks suspicious, pushes her sunglasses on top of her head, takes a minute to just look at Kelley, and it’s then that she realizes Tobin already knows.

Her cheeks burn— because Alex hasn’t said anything about telling anyone, so Kelley has hardly even considered it, but she’s starting to think that maybe they haven’t been as careful as she originally thought.

Because Tobin lives with them.

And it’s been going on for weeks, so—

Obviously, she knows.

And, per usual, Kelley is a few steps behind.

But Tobin is a good friend, the best, even, so she doesn’t push it— just gives Kelley’s arm another squeeze and smiles, starts to walk again.

“I just wanted you to know I’m here. Whenever you’re ready,” she says, leaving Kelley standing in place, processing.

She stays there until a wave crashes against the shoreline and washes cold water up to her knees, until Tobin calls from in front of her, “I’ll race you back to the house!”

She takes off running, kicking up sand behind her with the force of her bare feet hitting the ground, passes Tobin just in time to swing open the gate leading up to their porch.

When Tobin catches up with her, she’s out of breath, but Kelley reaches over, pats her cheek affectionately, says, “Love you, loser.”

**////**

Later, after Alex has pressed a kissed to the corner of Kelley’s mouth, lingered there just a little too long before announcing she was going to bed, Kelley turns to Tobin and catches her knowing smile.

She decides it’s silly— there’s no point in covering up something so obvious.

And Alex posted a picture of her on her Snapchat story earlier with two heart emojis, so she feels a little invincible.

“Tobin,” she says, tapping her fingers against her shoulder in an annoying way, doesn’t stop tapping until Tobin swats her hand away.

“What?”

“I have a confession.”

“Okay.”

“I have feelings for Alex.”

“Uh-huh, I know.”

“And we’re together.”

“Yeah,” Tobin nods like it isn’t a big deal, throws a piece of popcorn in the air and catches it in her mouth. “I know that, too.”

Kelley narrows her eyes, watching as Tobin picks up another piece of popcorn and tosses it in her direction, catches it effortlessly, before saying, “Wait, what do you mean ‘you know’?”

“I mean,” Tobin starts, kicking her feet up onto the coffee table, mouth full. “I have eyes, Kel. You think I don’t notice her coming out of your room every morning or you two being all lovey-dovey all the time? I literally saw you smooch her a few days ago.”

Kelley chokes so hard that Tobin has to pat her on the back.

When she can breathe again, she asks, “And you’re not weirded out by any of that?”

Tobin shakes her head. “Why would I be? We’re all adults here. I just want you two to be happy, and if you do that for each other, then good— you never make me feel like a third wheel, so why would it matter?”

“You’re not a third wheel.”

“Agree to disagree.” Tobin says, rolls her eyes.

Kelley glares at her, then softens, thinking about Alex upstairs in her bed, waiting for Kelley to join her, to press lazy kisses to her mouth until she falls asleep.

Briefly, she wonders what it would be like to spend every night next to Alex.

“It just feels... _right_. Like, sometimes you just _know_, you know? I think it’s supposed to be like this for us,” she admits, cheeks flushing so warm that she presses her palms to them, feels the heat under her hands, refusing to look in Tobin’s direction.

“Aw, Kel,” Tobin giggles, and it makes Kelley giggle, too. “You’re in L-word with Alex.”

“Shut up,” she groans, burying her face further in her palms, wishing the couch would open up and swallow her whole.

“It’s cute.” Tobin says, starts looking around like she’s done something wrong, then whispers, “Have you guys, like— _you know_?”

Kelley hopes she doesn’t look as flustered as she feels.

She can hardly think about sex with Alex without feeling like her entire body is going to burn up, and they haven’t yet, for a reason Kelley still hasn’t figured out—

And she _really_ doesn’t want to talk about it with Tobin.

“Tobin!” Kelley says, rising from the couch, reaching to grab the bowl of popcorn from her lap. “I’m not answering that.”

“What?” Tobin raises her arms. “I just wanna know what’s happening under my roof,”

“Nope, no,” she shakes her head, fishes her hand down into the bowl, hands it back to Tobin when she comes out with a fistful of popcorn. “We’re never talking about it.”

“I’ll take that as a no,” Tobin says, and she looks so smug that Kelley can’t help herself, can’t stop the motion of her arm from throwing the entire handful of kernels.

It collides directly with her face, scattering across the couch and the floor in front of her.

She looks surprised, squeals so loud that Kelley claps a hand over her mouth to quiet her.

“Shut up— Alex is sleeping.”

Tobin says something, but it’s muffled by Kelley’s hand.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I can’t hear you,” she grins, and it’s all fun until Tobin licks her palm, effectively getting her to drop it and recoil, rushing to wipe it off on her thigh.

“You’re so gross,” she says, disgusted, still brushing her hand against the leg of her sweatpants.

When she looks back up, Tobin is armed with her own handful of popcorn, and Kelley briefly regrets her decision, glances in the direction of the stairs, already plotting her escape, which involves somehow jumping over the couch and evading all of the popcorn kernels in Tobin’s hand.

“It’s war now, dude,” Tobin says, looking competitive in a way that has Kelley springing forward for the bowl just as Tobin starts throwing the kernels in her direction, shuffling around to the back of the couch to evade Kelley’s return-fire.

“You’re so on, Heath.”

**////**

Kelley crawls into bed a little after midnight to find Alex already asleep on her side, her knees curled up to her chest, hand tucked under her chin, wearing one of Kelley’s club t-shirts, comforter pulled up high.

It hits her hard, rips the breath right from her lungs.

Kelley is so, _so_ in love.

She slots her knees behind Alex’s, slipping a hand under her pillow, the other curling around Alex’s waist, sliding up to link with the fingers tucked under her chin, and she sighs, so quiet, so content, when she feels Alex’s lips press against the back of her hand.

“What took you so long?” Alex asks, her voice thick with sleep.

“Sorry, baby,” Kelley plants a kiss to the back of her neck, shuffles closer. “Go back to sleep. I’m here now.”

“Okay,” she says. “Love you.”

Kelley falls asleep quickly, but not before saying, “Love you back.”

**////**

The next morning, Kelley wakes up to Alex halfway hovering over her, pressing gentle kisses to her forehead and cheeks, and it’s sweet, but she opens her eyes enough to register that the sun is still coming up, that it’s still early enough for her to be sleeping, so she wraps her arms around Alex’s waist and tugs her down until she rests her body weight against Kelley’s— until Alex tucks her head under her chin and hums against the skin there.

“Wake up,” Alex says, her voice soft in the way it is after she’s just woken up, lifts her head up so she can look down at Kelley again. “I’m making breakfast.”

Kelley cracks open one eye. “You’re making breakfast, or you’re making coffee?”

“What’s the difference?” Alex hums, thumbing at Kelley’s collarbone. “I wanna kiss you, but—”

“Morning breath.” They say at the same time, and Alex smiles in a way that has Kelley’s heart thrumming steadily in her chest, a way that has the tips of her fingers crawling underneath the hem of Alex’s shirt to rest against the warm skin of her hips.

“Can’t you make an exception, just this once?” Kelley says, eyebrows raised, lets her hands move higher, resting on Alex’s ribcage, and she wonders if they’re cold, because Alex inhales sharply, bites her lip.

“Are you trying to seduce me?” Alex asks, leans down to drag her nose over Kelley’s cheekbone.

“I don’t know,” she says, turning her head to catch the side of Alex’s under her lips, nails raking lightly over the skin under her shirt. “Is it working?”

“Kel,” Alex whispers, shifting to rest between Kelley’s legs, hips to hips, looking like she wants to give in. “Tobin is downstairs.”

“Actually,” she says, rolls them over until Alex is pinned below her, hands flat against the mattress on either side of her head.

She gets so lost in looking at Alex underneath her, hair splayed wildly across the pillows, all bright-eyed, and breathless, and _pretty_, that she forgets what she was going to say.

“Actually?” Alex prompts, kisses her chin.

“I told Tobin last night,” she rushes out. “And I know we didn’t talk about it first, so, really, I should probably be apologizing, but she definitely already knew, and it’s kind of hard to sneak around when we all live in the same house, so—”

“Kelley.” Alex cuts her off, cups her face in her hands, says, “It’s okay.”

“It’s okay?”

“Yeah,”

“Oh,” Kelley exhales, leaning back, still on her knees between Alex’s legs, a little thrown off when Alex leans up on her elbows to look at her.

“Hey,” Alex whines, sitting up, arms extending in Kelley’s direction. “Come back here.”

Kelley moves closer again, scoots up the bed until her thighs are on either side of Alex’s, wraps her arms around her neck when Alex’s close around her waist.

“I’m not hiding you,” she says, so soft and so affectionate that it makes Kelley want to keep her in bed all day. “I mean— I’m not ready for a coming out party or anything, but Jeri knows. And you can tell whoever you want, whenever you want. This is just as much about you as it is about me.”

Kelley nods, kisses her quick, just because she can, because Alex is hers, and says, “I kind of like that this is just _ours_ right now,”

“Me, too.”

Kelley leans down to kiss her again, can’t help it with the way Alex is looking at her, but she stops halfway, so close to Alex’s mouth that she can feel the breath she exhales, because—

“You’ve been talking to your sister about me?” She grins, eyebrows raised, feels a surge of pride.

“Duh,” Alex says, shrugs like it isn’t a big deal, even though Kelley is pretty sure they both know it is. “Why wouldn’t I tell her about my girlfriend?”

And, oh.

God.

She can’t explain what that does to her body, can’t explain why it has her pushing forward and up onto her knees higher until she’s above Alex, tilting her head down to press their lips together, meeting Alex’s open mouth with her own, deft hands fisting the fabric of her shirt.

She bites at Alex’s bottom lip, kisses her long and a little dirty, and she thinks, just for a moment, that it feels like they’re on the precipice of something— that if Alex keeps kissing her how she’s kissing her, keeps ghosting her fingertips over the curve of her breasts, they won’t be able to stop.

She lets herself get wrapped up in the moment, wrapped up in Alex, until—

“Wait— baby,” she pulls back, and when she hears her voice, low and breathless, it doesn’t sound like her own.

Alex chases her mouth, whines, “No, Kel,”

She pushes her hands against Alex’s shoulders to put some distance between them because, with Alex looking at her the way she does, all affection and flushed cheeks, with weeks of tension building between them, Kelley doesn’t trust herself.

“Jeri knows about us,” she says, bites her lip. “She knows that I’m your girlfriend,”

“Yep,” Alex says, hands stroking higher under Kelley’s shirt, making her shiver.

It’s distracting.

Kelley has to put her hands over Alex’s to even be able to think straight.

“And she’s okay with that?”

“Why wouldn’t she be?”

“I mean,” Kelley starts, brushes some of the hairs out of Alex’s face that have fallen down into her eyes. “You’ve never been with a girl before,”

“So?” Alex asks, reaching up to catch one of Kelley’s hand in her own, pressing her lips to her palm affectionately. “My family loves you; you know that.”

“They love me as your friend, not as your girlfriend,”

“Kelley,” Alex says, still clutching Kelley’s hand in her own. “They’ve always loved you as someone in my life who makes me happy, and that hasn’t changed. It’s just another layer.”

Kelley goes soft at Alex’s words, at the way she’s looking up at her like she’s the best thing in the world.

It’s all so gentle, but it hits her like a fistfight.

“I love you,” she says, leans down to kiss Alex again, and Alex’s hands find her hair as soon as their mouths meet.

“I love you, too.” Alex whispers, doesn’t even bother pulling back, and when Kelley giggles, feeling giddy, she feels their teeth connect momentarily, sloppily, and then Alex is laughing with her.

After a moment, she pulls back, raises her eyebrows, because—

“I believe I was promised breakfast,”

“You would’ve had it already if you didn’t distract me,” Alex slaps a hand against her ass, has Kelley giggling again and sliding off of her lap, onto her stomach on her side of the bed.

“Stop making excuses,”

“Shut up,” Alex rolls her eyes, tosses one of the pillows at her.

“Make me.”

“You’re literally so annoying.”

“Uh-huh,” Kelley agrees, propping her head up on her hands, chin resting in her palm, looking up at Alex from behind her lashes, an unfair tactic, and she knows it. “But you love me, anyway.”

“Maybe a little,”

“Maybe a lot.”

“Sure, babe. A lot.”

“Maybe a lot, a lot,”

“Okay,” Alex agrees. “A lot, a lot.”

**////**

It starts to get cold enough outside that Kelley has an excuse to drape her jacket over Alex’s shoulders when they go out, and it’s a little too short, and the sleeves don’t quite fit right when she slides her arms into them, but Alex still wraps herself in it like it’s something sacred.

They start to share everything.

Alex comes out of the shower most nights smelling like Kelley’s shampoo and slides into bed in one of her shirts, scoots her head over until it’s resting on the same pillow as Kelley’s, and Kelley doesn’t even mind it when her hair is still wet enough to dampen the pillowcase.

She takes food from her plate sometimes without asking, but she does in such a cute way, kisses the frown from Kelley’s lips so quick that it’s hardly even there at all, that Kelley doesn’t mind that much either.

Alex starts referring to them as a ‘we’ or an ‘us’ when she talks to people, and it’s stupid, Kelley thinks, for it to feel like such a big deal, but it still does.

She finds herself hanging on every word Alex says.

And she knows she’s fallen so far, so quick, but—

Alex has always felt like a safety net.

**////**

“So…”

“So?”

“Did Tobin talk to you?”

“About?”

Kelley watches as Alex reaches out to pause the movie they’re watching, something shitty with Jennifer Lawrence, but it’s not like it matters— neither of them has been paying attention.

Kelley has spent the last half hour distracting herself by brushing her fingertips along the sensitive skin of Alex’s ankles and calves that rest in her lap, and Alex has spent just as much time trying to drag Kelley’s hand further up her leg, despite Tobin’s door being halfway open and _right there_.

“Well,” Alex starts, sits up a little until she’s close enough to Kelley to run a hand through her hair. “She’s going to her parents’ for a few days before Thanksgiving.”

“Oh, yeah,” Kelley says. “She told me that.”

Alex raises her eyebrows, her lip pulled between her teeth, has Kelley feeling like she’s missing something until she says—

“And we’ll have the house to ourselves for a few days…”

_Oh._

And Kelley gets it, has spent the last few days thinking about it herself, spent that morning in the shower thinking about it with a hand between her thighs.

It warms her up, has her chest flushing as red as her cheeks, and she tries to look away, hopes Alex won’t notice, but she knows she does because she pushes a palm flat against her shoulder and slides fully into her lap, presses their lips together, and Kelley doesn’t know how, but she’s missed her mouth even though it hasn’t been an hour since they last kissed.

“Relax,” Alex says, her voice soft against Kelley’s cheek now. “It’s just me.”

“That’s exactly why I’m not relaxed,”

“Hey,” Alex hums. “I’m just as nervous as you are— I’ve never done this before, remember?”

“I know,” Kelley nods, busies herself with rubbing a thumb along the inside of Alex’s knee. “But we’re us, so it’s okay,”

Alex grins at that, knocks her forehead against Kelley’s so hard that it has them both giggling, says, “I’ve been trying to get you alone for so long, Kel. You have no idea how badly I wanna—”

“Okay! Yep!” Tobin yells, and Kelley turns to see her head peeking out from behind her door. “I feel like now is a great time to let you both know I can hear everything you’re saying,”

And Kelley wants to be annoyed because Alex slides back into her original position on the couch and, somehow, Tobin is always finding a way to stop them from getting anywhere past second base, and she really, _really _wants to know what Alex was going to say, but she also kind of feels bad for Tobin.

It’s got to be weird for her, Kelley thinks, to have her closest friends start dating while everyone is living in the same house. And, really, it’s not how any of them planned to spend their summer, but Tobin has been so understanding, so—

Kelley can’t be annoyed.

She waves a hand in her direction, pats the empty seat next to her.

“Shut up,” she says. “Come watch the rest of this movie with us, twat-swat.”

“Kelley! Jesus!” Alex and Tobin both squeal, and it’s so in-sync, and Tobin sounds so horrified that it has Kelley doubling over in laughter.

Tobin rounds the corner looking redder than Kelley has ever seen her in her life, and Alex reaches out to smack a hand against her shoulder to get her to stop, and it all has Kelley feeling like a scolded child, has her covering her hand with her mouth to stifle her giggles.

“Sorry,” she tries.

When she finally quiets down, Tobin sits down in the recliner, casts a glance in her direction, grumbles, “Just play the movie.”

“Okay, grumpy.” Kelley grins, reaches across Alex for the remote, plans to plant a kiss on her cheek, stops halfway when she hears Tobin from behind her ask—

“So, a twat-swat… Is that, like, cock-block for ladies?”

This time when she laughs, Alex joins her until Tobin starts to laugh with them, until Kelley’s stomach starts to hurt so badly that she can’t breathe.

And, when Jennifer Lawrence starts talking again on screen, and Alex pushes closer to her, and Tobin already looks more into the movie than they ever were, she lets herself think, for the first time, that she’s going to miss the family they’ve created when they have to go home.

**////**

Tobin leaves for New Jersey on a Monday.

On their second night alone, Kelley lets Alex drag her to a Paint and Sip, and she gets a little drunk and paints the saddest looking dog she’s ever seen in her life, but Alex still hangs it on the wall in her bedroom, still presses a kiss to the side of Kelley’s head and says, “I hope we get a dog.”

It feels a lot like a declaration of love.

“A dog?”

“Yeah,” Alex blushes. “I don’t know— like, when we’re older, and we have a house, and we aren’t traveling so much— I hope we get a dog.”

Kelley gets so caught up in the fact that Alex has thought about a future with her that she gets a little dizzy.

It makes her head spin in the best way possible.

When she looks up, Alex is looking at her all shy, flushed cheeks, in love, and so, so pretty; Kelley knows she’s a goner.

She would give Alex anything she wanted.

She turns to her, winds her arms around Alex’s shoulders, stands on the tips of her toes until she can press their lips together, asks against her mouth, “You want all of that with me? You’ve thought about it?”

Alex kisses her again, fingers stroking slowly against her cheek, takes the words right from Kelley’s mouth with the touch of her tongue against her bottom lip.

“I want everything with you, Kel.”

Something shifts between them, then.

The way Alex is looking at her with so much adoration burns her body up, and she wonders if Alex feels it, too.

“Alex,” she says, rocks back up on her toes to press a kiss to the line of her jaw, and Alex makes this little noise in the back of her throat that sounds a lot like Kelley’s name, and—

Kelley kisses her, all open-mouthed, and Alex’s hands feel like they’re everywhere— in the back pockets of her jeans, and in her hair, and peeling her shirt up, up, up, until it’s somewhere on the floor behind her, and she isn’t sure if it’s the sudden rush of cool air on her skin or the way Alex’s mouth has found her neck that makes her shiver.

“Alex—” She breathes, curls her fingers in the bottom of Alex’s shirt with both of her hands, says, “Take this off.”

Kelley expects it when she steps back and pulls her shirt up over her head, joining her own on the floor, long forgotten, and, still, it rips the breath from her lungs when Alex drops her hands to her sides, chest heaving, scarcely clothed, and so open.

She can’t look away, lets out a whimper, and then feels a little pathetic because—

_God_, she can’t even think with Alex standing there looking at her like that, and part of Kelley wants it to be tender, wants to step forward and take Alex’s face in her hands, slow it down, unwind her with her mouth before she touches her anywhere else, but another part of her can’t think about anything other than peeling her leggings down, dropping to her knees for her.

She feels needy in a way she never has before when Alex hooks a finger in the loop of her jeans.

Kelley lets her pull her forward until it’s skin on skin, walks her back until they’re laid on the bed against the pillows, and Alex’s fingers fumble with the clasp of her bra for so long that Kelley takes it off herself.

She doesn’t stop kissing her— can barely pull her mouth away for long enough to breathe, and it all makes her feel a little ridiculous, and a little dirty, and hotter than she’s ever felt in her life.

If she had any composure left, it’s gone as soon as Alex rocks her hips up against the thigh that’s positioned between her legs, hands grabbing at her ass, starting up a steady grind that has Alex arching up into her.

She doesn’t know if she swallows her own moan or Alex’s.

“Kel—” Alex’s voice is so low that she barely recognizes it. “Please, please— just—”

“It’s okay, baby,” she whispers, sucks against the skin below Alex’s ear. “Let me take my time.”

**////**

Later, after she makes Alex come with her mouth, with their hands clasped tightly together against the bed beneath them— after Alex rolls her onto her back, presses her fingers between her legs and gets her off in an earth-shattering way— Kelley curls up against her chest, tucks her head under Alex’s chin.

“Love you.” She says, feeling sentimental and vulnerable in a way that she doesn’t know how to articulate.

“Me, too,” Alex kisses the top of her head, presses a thumb against one of the marks she left on Kelley’s chest. “A lot, a lot.”

“A lot, a lot.” She agrees, licks her lips. “Al?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“We’re not gonna be able to fuck when Tobin comes back unless we learn how to be quiet.”

“Oh?” Alex raises her eyebrows, laughs a little when she says, “I guess we should practice some more, then.”

**////**

They don’t learn how to be quiet, but that doesn’t stop them, even after Tobin has gotten back from Thanksgiving in New Jersey.

Because now that Kelley has undone Alex with her hands and her mouth, she can’t get the image out of her head.

And, apparently, neither can Alex.

They seek each other out at any chance they get, press each other against walls, and shower tiles, and beds, and everything about it feels so intimate and so intense that Kelley almost forgets they’re moving back home in a few weeks.

**////**

Fall turns to winter so quickly that it almost gives Kelley whiplash, and Alex gets distant in a way that would have her worried if they weren’t still sleeping in the same bed every night, if Alex wasn’t still pressing those tender, lazy kisses to her mouth and her cheeks before they fall asleep.

She can’t really explain it, feels crazy for thinking it, but it all starts to feel—

Off.

Like, somehow, it isn’t quite right. 

**////**

Alex starts spending more time with Tobin and less time with Kelley.

She slips out of bed before Kelley is even awake, and, some mornings, Kelley finds her out on the sand, bundled up in a jacket, kicking a ball around by herself, running up and down the beach until she gets so cold that the tips of her ears turn red and she has to come inside.

She says she isn’t feeling well when Kelley asks her to dinner, just the two of them, and Kelley knows it’s a lie because Alex goes for a walk on the beach with Tobin, anyways, and leaves her at the house alone, waiting for her to come back.

It feels a lot like a sucker punch.

It goes on for days.

She ignores every part of her body that screams at her to open her mouth, to close the space that has grown between them, and decides to take what she can get.

She lets Alex crawl into bed with her at night, kiss her in that desperate, longing way, like she’s missed her for longer than she’s been gone, and spends her days alone.

She knows that sometimes couples fight.

Kelley has been in enough relationships to have learned that, but she can’t quite figure out why it feels like she’s fighting with Alex when they never had an argument to begin with.

She wants to ask her about it, but she’s kind of afraid of the answer. She doesn’t want to spend their last few days together fighting for real— or worse.

She doesn’t know how to say that it feels like Alex isn’t as in love with her anymore.

**////**

She decides to get them In ‘N Out and a celebratory bottle of liquor on the night before Tobin’s flight is scheduled to leave LAX, and, for a little bit, it almost feels normal.

Alex insists on being the one to make their drinks, so Kelley sits with Tobin at the dining room table, sharing fries even though they both have their own, and when Alex joins them, she sits in the chair next to Kelley and curls a foot around her calf, slides Kelley’s drink over to her with a grin that has her body humming.

Kelley gets too tipsy, too quickly— thanks to Alex— and Alex won’t let go of her hand, not even to eat, and it reminds her of their first few months in the house when they still didn’t know what they were but knew they were _something_.

Alex’s phone rings when they’re cleaning up, and she silences it the first time, but whoever it is calls back again as soon as Alex hits decline.

“I got the rest of it,” Kelley says, presses a kiss to the side of Alex’s head, hands stacked with empty glasses. “Go answer it.”

“Okay,” Alex says, lips pulled together, looking uncomfortable and surprised, and Kelley is about to ask her about it when Alex’s phone starts ringing again.

She doesn’t know how she knows, doesn’t know if it’s because of the look on Alex’s face, or the quick way she pulls it against her chest so Kelley can’t see who’s calling her, or the way she scrambles outside before accepting it, but it occurs to her, when she’s watching Alex’s back retreat down the stairs and off the porch, that it can’t be good. 

**////**

Alex is outside for so long that the ice cubes melt in her drink.

Kelley feels weird about the whole thing.

“She’s been out there for a while,” Tobin finally says, reaching across the table to nudge Kelley’s arm. “Go see if she’s okay.”

“Yeah— okay,” she clears her throat. “I’ll be back.”

**////**

When Kelley finds Alex, she’s on the beach, shivering, and it’s so cold, even with a jacket on, that she wonders how Alex has stayed outside for so long.

She peels her jacket off, leans down enough that she can lay it across Alex’s shoulders in that familiar way, toes digging into sand, cold on the bottom of her feet.

Alex doesn’t speak, but she smiles, grateful, and pats the spot next to her until Kelley sits down and curls a hand around the inside of her thigh, and, when Alex rests her head on her shoulder, Kelley briefly thinks that they might be okay.

“It’s cold out here,” Kelley says. “What have you been doing out here for so long?”

“Just thinking.”

“About?”

“I don’t know,”

“Alex,” Kelley says, turns her body until she’s facing her, until her knees are pressing against the side of Alex’s legs, even when Alex refuses to look at her. “This has been— it’s been different for a few days now. Just tell me what’s up, and we can fix it.”

Finally, _finally _Alex looks at her, looks upset when she asks, “What happens when we leave L.A.? You live across the country, and I’m going back to Seattle to share an apartment with my ex-boyfriend.”

They’ve talked about it before, but Kelley still feels blindsided.

She starts to shake, and she wants to blame it on being cold, but she knows that isn’t the problem— knows it has nothing to do with the weather and everything to do with the fact that Alex has reverted back to not looking at her.

“I mean, I trust you— and the distance isn’t a problem, Al. We have FaceTime, and texting, and whatever else you want. I can write you letters like the Notebook. And we’ll see each other during camps, or I could fly to you whenever you’re really missing me.”

“Kel—”

“Where is this coming from?”

Alex is quiet for so long that Kelley starts to wonder whether she actually said anything out loud.

She opens her mouth to speak again, but Alex cuts her off, crosses her arms over her chest, and Kelley tries not to pay attention when her jacket falls off her shoulders and Alex doesn’t pick it up.

“Servando called me tonight.”

It feels like someone has let all of the air out of Kelley’s lungs.

Alex is looking at her like she’s already sorry.

“Well,” Kelley says, and she hopes that Alex doesn’t hear the way her voice shakes when she asks, “What did he say?”

“He wants to work things out when I get home,” Alex whispers. “He started talking about marriage.”

Kelley watches Alex fill her hand full of sand, watches her let it slip between her fingers, and thinks she feels a little bit like that. She finds herself wishing she was anywhere else, anywhere other than with Alex, having a conversation about her ex-boyfriend, and marriage, and things neither of them can control.

“Well, you told him no, right?” Kelley asks, desperate, in a puff of air. “You told him we’re together.”

Alex’s silence is stunted, and Kelley half-expected it, but it still makes her body feel like it isn’t her own, still has her mind going to the worst places because— 

Alex isn’t talking, and she isn’t looking at her, and when she does, she says—

“I told him I’d think about it.”

It’s like Alex has somehow shoved the words down her throat, like, if she doesn’t take a step back, take a breath, she might never breathe again.

She stands up so fast that all the blood rushes to her head.

“You— wait, you _what_?" 

“Kel… What happens when the team finds out? Or when everyone else does?” Alex tries, voice gentle, but it doesn’t stop the ache in her limbs, doesn’t soften the blow of it all. “Because they will, and it might not be on our terms. I’ve seen people come out, and I’ve seen people be forced out, and it’s— Kelley, you know how hard it is.”

Her whole body hurts.

Kelley wonders how long Alex has been thinking about this.

She decides she doesn’t want to know.

When she doesn’t respond, tucks her hands into her back pockets, wills herself not to cry, not now, not in front of her, Alex stands, too, says, “It’s not you, it’s—”

“Alex,” Kelley says, cutting in. “I swear to God, if you try to pull that ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ bullshit right now.” 

“It _isn’t _you, though. This is just…” Alex runs a hand through her hair, looking frustrated and almost as sad as Kelley feels, and if it were under different circumstances, Kelley might reach for her. “I don’t know— it feels like too much, too soon, and I thought I was ready— but, Kelley, I’m not. And I can’t force myself to be.”

“Are you fucking serious right now?”

Alex shrugs.

“This isn’t as simple as either of us thought it was going to be. 

“So, what?” Kelley bites out, feeling anger so hot and so sharp that she burns despite the cold. “You’re gonna go back to Seattle with Serv, and you expect me to just wait around until you figure out which one of us you like the best?” 

Alex recoils, takes a step back and, for a fleeting moment, Kelley thinks they might both cry, thinks Alex might take back everything she’s said and let Kelley take her into her arms the way she’s wanted to since she stepped outside. 

But she doesn’t.

Instead, she steps back further.

“That’s not what I’m saying. It isn’t—” She struggles, covers her eyes with her hands, says, “It’s not like that. I love you—”

“Don’t say that right now.” Kelley snaps. “I don’t want to hear it.”

In the dark, the only light dim, coming from their back porch, Kelley can see it— can see the way Alex has begun to tremble.

She feels like throwing up.

“I _do_. You know I do,” Alex whispers. “And you’re— honestly, you’re being kind of cold right now…”

“Oh, I—” Kelley pauses, lowers her voice. “I’m being cold?”

“I never meant for this to happen,”

“You know,” Kelley says, sounding harsh, and angry, and she hates the way it makes Alex inch farther away from her. “I get not being ready, or being scared, or whatever, but I’ve been going at the pace _you _set this entire time. I never had any intentions of rushing you into something you weren’t ready for. And I’m just— really fucking hurt, Alex.”

“I’m sorry.” Alex says, her voice wavering.

“You’re sorry? That’s all you have to say?”

“That’s all I can say,”

Kelley snorts, wipes hot tears away from her eyes before Alex can see them fall. She feels tired and sick, like she could go into shock or something, and she wants to scream, or cry, or walk into the water and submerge herself until she wakes up from this awful dream, but—

It isn’t a dream, and Alex is standing in front of her, waiting for her to say something, and all she can think is—

“Fuck you, Alex.”

**////**

She lets the door slam closed behind her.

Tobin is waiting for her in the living room and opens her mouth as soon as she catches sight of her, probably to ask what happened, but Kelley is crying, and she’s so cold that her hands and feet are numb.

All she wants to do is take a shower.

She brushes right past Tobin, ignores her when she asks if she’s okay, and it isn’t what Tobin deserves, not really, but it’s all Kelley can manage.

When she gets to her room, for the first time since they moved in, she locks the door. 

**////**

She doesn’t wake up early enough to see Tobin to the airport, and, while she owes her an apology for more than just that, she thinks it’s kind of a blessing because Alex was supposed to drive them, and she doesn’t really trust herself to be around Alex now.

She decides when she gets out of bed a little after noon that she doesn’t want to see her at all for a while, which makes the whole thing even worse because they’re stuck in a house together for another day, and so many of Alex’s things are still in her room, only half packed up.

It’s hard enough already.

And Kelley has known heartbreak, has felt it more than once in her life, but never like this. Never in that debilitating way— the sort of way that has her crying until her head hurts and laying in Alex’s sweatshirt even though it’s over.

She thinks it would all be easier if she hated her.

She doesn’t know how people do this.

She doesn’t know how she’s going to survive camp, and being around their teammates, and having to pretend like everything is fine.

She doesn’t think she’ll be very good at pretending that she isn’t suffocating. 

**////**

Around dinnertime, Alex knocks on her door, soft and quiet, and Kelley almost doesn’t hear it.

“Kel,” she says. “I have to finish packing.”

“I’ll mail it to you.”

She hears Alex sigh from outside, hears her shuffling around, and, for a second, it sounds like she’s going to try to come in.

Kelley sits up, suddenly too aware that she’s wearing both Alex’s sweatshirt and a pair of her shorts, feels embarrassed and anxious all at once, and she prays, if there’s a God, that Alex will leave her alone.

“Okay,” she finally says, and Kelley can hear her footsteps retreating down the hallway, can hear her bedroom door click shut behind her, and—

There it is.

She’s so far from herself, so disjointed; she doesn’t even cry.

It’s her last encounter with Alex before she goes back to Seattle.

**////**

She doesn’t hear from Alex for weeks.

Not until she’s back in Georgia, until she’s mailed all of Alex’s things back to her in cardboard boxes and deleted all of their pictures from her phone— started healing in the only way she knows how.

She’s in her parents’ living room, cocooned in blankets, head resting in her mom’s lap, when her phone goes off. She’s tempted to ignore it, far too comfortable to get up, but there’s a nagging feeling that she can’t explain that tells her to reach for it, anyway.

When she sees Alex’s name lighting up the screen of her phone, one new text message, her heart stops.

The text is simple.

It says: _I miss you. I’m sorry_

It isn’t much, but, somehow, it’s enough.

_Me too_, she replies. 

“Who’s that?”

Kelley shakes her head, brushes off her mom's question, returns her phone back to its position on the coffee table.

“No one.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> I feel like I should apologize a second time for any emotional distress that this might've caused.
> 
> Here's some good news, I think (because PEMDAS): I've decided to make this a series. So, yay- now we can all suffer more, together.


End file.
